A day to rejoice, in a slightly skewed fashion. My Rayburn has been making funny noises and throwing out pungent oily metallic fumes for some time now, but I've been ignoring it until Lily's saxophone teacher dropped by yesterday and expressed horror and consternation. So I have with me now the very charming local Rayburn man, who agrees that yes, there is a nasty smell emanating from the oven.
'At least if I can smell it, it's not carbon monoxide,' I say cheerily.
'Oh no,' he says, 'it will contain carbon monoxide. Do you feel dizzy? Headaches?'
'Brain fog!' I cry. 'Alzheimery symptoms? Like not being able to find the right words or remember things?'
'Oh yes,' he says, 'all that. It clouds the judgment and general thought processes...'
'Hooray!' I shout. 'I thought it was the menopause! Or Alzheimer's!'
'...which is why I have to condemn it,' he says.
I have been pumping my head with the silent killer! I don't care if I freeze and can't cook. Within 24 hours - the time it takes, apparently, for CO to work through your system - my brain will be crystal clear, my thought processes sharp as a box of tacks.
Although I can't say I've noticed much sharpening of my brain when I go away for more than 24 hours. Hmmm.
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